European History With Wine
Lauren: There were a lot of alliances and um, what’s the opposite of alliances, you know, everyone was fighting.
On Lauren’s handkerchief-less method
Mrs. B: I don’t care for those snot rockets myself.
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More Shining American Moments
American man: … and he was making out with two dogs.
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The Damn Euro
Lauren: We are currently drinking our daily budget in many of the countries we’ve been to.
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Too Much Italian Food
Mrs. B: Maybe I can go online and order Nutra-system so it will be there when I get home.
**
Lauren: Should we get gelato?
Kerry: Let’s save ourselves for after dinner.
Mrs. B: We don’t save ourselves. We eat.
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When the Moon Hits Your Eye…
Lauren: Everywhere I look I see sperm donors.
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OCD Issues
Mrs. B: I had the worse nightmare last night: I was driving to NYC and I lost my directions.
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Heredity Issues
Mrs. B (Regarding our budget): As OCD I can be about organizing, you’re way out of my league.
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14 Euros to see the Vatican?!?
Mrs. B: The church is rich enough. He should pay us to come.
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The News At The American Embassy
Larry King: Has there long been a cleavage between your sister-in-law (Anna Nicole Smith’s mother) and Howard K. Stern?
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The Scene at the Apartment
Mrs. B (regarding our antibiotics): Look at all these pills! It looks like Anna Nicole’s apartment.
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It was a Best Western
Beth: I don’t understand why they provide you with an intimate cleanser but no shampoo or conditioner. Maybe I have different priorities than the Italians.
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A Mother’s Wisdom
Mrs. B: Why don’t you get a new bra? Yours are horrible. They’re like hammocks. Boob hammocks.
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More Shining American Moments
American Woman #1: She doesn’t have that problem because she doesn’t serve milk.
American Woman #2: She doesn’t use milk? What does she use?
American Woman #1: Skim milk.
American Woman #2: That’s still milk.
Beth (under her breath): I think we need to have an IQ test before you can get your passport, so that we know we’re only exporting people with at least average intelligence.
**
American Man: You know something interesting? McCain. He’s a P.O.W. Isn’t that interesting?
American Woman: Wow, that’s great. I mean, it’s not great. It’s a great story.
Beth (under her breath): Just shoot me in the head. Shoot me in the head. I don’t want to go back.
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The Hotel Said “Near” City Center
Lauren: Where are we?
Beth: We’re not on the map. That’s where we are.
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I think that still counts
Lauren: I guess that was an ugly American moment, but I was only saying it to you!
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Wino
Beth: Look at the wine prices, 4 Euros for a Chianti. Do you think we could drink in public? We could buy some bread and cheese.
Lauren: I doubt, plus it would be too cold tonight.
Beth: No, I meant for lunch.
**
Later that Night
Beth: Suddenly, it’s not so cold out here.
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Out of Africa
Lauren: Will you go buy some water so I can take this Advil?
Beth: This is Rome. You can drink the water.
Lauren: Are you absolutely positively 100 percent sure you can drink the water here?
Beth: Yes.
**
Lauren: Look at all the white people!
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ITALIAN CHEERS
Salude/To drinking in public/To complex flavors/To spontaneous trips to Europe/To Beth getting her garlic cheese chips/To fondue/To the homeland/
